Light and Dark

Last night when I was lying in bed, I could feel something coming up. It was hysterics. This was the fourth day in a row that this had happened. Tears. Expulsion of everything I kept bottled up in 2017. The tears they came like waterfalls, and they didn’t stop for 15 minutes.

I cried because of how frustrated I was that my work schedule changes constantly making it nearly impossible to schedule time with friends in advance. I cried because I felt like my relationship isn’t going anywhere. I cried because I wanted things to go back to normal whatever that means. I cried because I wanted to be 100% free from mono and liver inflammation already. I cried because I haven’t exercised for over one month due to said inflammation and infection, and I felt weak, ugly, and debilitated.

That was perhaps the weakest moment I’ve had in the last year. As I moved through that sadness, I had flashbacks to the time when I tried to commit suicide, and I found myself right back in that dark space. I thought I had gotten through all of that. I thought suicidal thoughts were behind me, something I would never toy with again. Yet there I was back in the same state of depression and loneliness from life moving too fast and nobody telling me to stop. Clearly, I still have some work to do.

Then I started talking out loud to myself through my tears, but it wasn’t me who was talking. It was my angels talking through me. By angels, I mean my mother and grandfather who have passed on, and the greater universe. They talked me off a cliff, and it was an unusual but extraordinary experience. Rather than continue focusing on what I felt was wrong or missing or lacking, they turned me towards gratitude for what I do have. In my head, I started running through all the things I’m grateful for. I’m thankful for having a job that gets me out of the house and interacting with people from all over the world. I’m thankful for the beautiful apartment I live in, the food and water in my fridge, and how quiet my neighborhood is so that I can get a peaceful rest each night. I’m thankful for the deep conversations I always have with my friend Erika, for my boyfriend, for my family who loves and supports me. I’m thankful for living in the country I love so much that it breaks my heart to even entertain the idea of living elsewhere. When I focused on abundance instead of scarcity, that’s when the tears began to subside.

Afterwards, I meditated to let my mind have its space, and I drifted off to sleep soon after, as that is what I feel I need most right now. Rest, sleep, and a primary focus on self-care. When I woke up this morning, I felt both well rested and exhausted at the same time. Crying will do that to you. As I do first thing every morning, I got out of bed to make a cup of tea but moved slower than usual. This morning, I was in no rush.

As the day got going, on the walk to the train station I had the sun rising on my left and the shadow of the moon settling on my right. It was a reminder that light and dark live together. You cannot have one without the other. Seeing both sun and moon share the same sky, even if only for a brief time, made me smile and made the walk to the station a little bit warmer. I am still finding my way, still learning that life is a balance, and balance is a journey, not a final destination.

Eventually reaching the station, a rush of salarymen passed by me in their black suits and freshly shined shoes ready to start work again in the new year. I let out a little laugh and thought, “Ahh yes, everything is back to normal.”

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